The delicious ambiguity   Leave a comment

Letting you be vulnerable is brave

Statutory warning: this is not a blog of a person who is depressed but is just an attempt at being a little self-aware and introspective

As I cogitate about the me that was, isn’t. As I read yet another blog of a traveler and photographer, I ruminate and it makes me acutely aware of the missing pie in my life. While I did not go through the entire read and toggle to my excel sheet which is obediently calculating my investments such that I can do something substantial with it later and utilise it for things I enjoy doing. Even as I hammer the keyboard further, somewhere deep my mind dips to where my heart is. It makes me wonder. While I figure the finances and what exactly I am going to do with them for a better tomorrow, the reality of today stings me. Proclivity gets the better of us, always. The only reality being is today! This makes me travel back to the younger me. And here is an account of what the younger me, full of dreams with faith and hope and above all surety of realisation

Shattered dreams of youth in the face of reality

Over a decade back I felt I had the world at my feet and nothing was beyond my grasp. I believed that everything one desires is always yours. And why should I believe differently? I have always got everything I want. Were the desires then simpler and fulfilled by parents and today demands are different and need a constant external factor for accomplishment. And then moving to external validation for all the things that we achieve

Being an arriviste I believed it was all possible. The only aspect I did not account for was making things happen. Life does not just happen. Things are not automatic

It’s very easy to plan something for the future and say that you will achieve it at another a time. I was no different and today I am caught like a flat footed president

I had a clear idea of who I wanted to be when I grew up, or rather until I grew up. The credence of a dream comes in the brutal face of reality when we reach the moment in time of our lives where the dream coincides with the date and a reality today. I knew all that I wanted and I was in for a rude shock. And this shock comes in spite all the monies earned, fancy titles, cars or houses purchased. It’s just pure and simple independence. Independence not from anyone but myself.Independence not to do something or take a decision. It was independence to be me. Somewhere in the journey of over a decade I missed being the person who I was born as and born to be. Above all that was the person who I actually wanted and desired to be. I started being a picture of what everyone envisioned me to be. Started living a life as seen by others and lived by others. And no, I am no person to look for external validation or be suppressed. I just made their perception my reality and my truth and started living up to that perception. So I just became part of the rate race!

One could say “She lost her laughter somewhere along the way and she did not even know it

Today I am a person to fit in with a prototype. This prototype encompassed social demographics, age and place of existence. And yet there were people who were leading their lives as they liked and wished. Sometimes it felt as if my dream was being played in front of my eyes, albeit I was not part of the script. I just stood looking in from the outside at a beautiful reel unfold

Change needs to be revolutionary not evolutionary

Was it late for me to follow what I wanted to do? Could I turn the stream of my life and break away from the mould? Was it acceptable in my society to see me be more than a corporate minion and a conventional human? I did not have answers to those questions. Was I willing to find out? This dawned like a eureka moment. Why should I want to find out? Was that not validation? If there is something that one wants to do, which is not a prescribed format, who judges? People care to judge when we care to listen

Be emancipated We think life is eternal and we will live on to fulfill all that we wish for. Suddenly life happens and we realise we don’t have a second chance


Posted March 16, 2016 by nidhi khanna in Musings

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